While grabbing coffee with a trusted coworker, you hear that another coworker has been talking behind your back — and it’s not positive. Your immediate desire is to speak your mind, perhaps find a way to “get even,” but experience tells you not to overreact. After you calm down, you don’t know whether to let the slight slide or if that’ll only make the situation worse. Welcome to the world of conversational intelligence.
Conversational intelligence, an idea pioneered by executive career coach and author Judith Glaser, is about using concrete ways of connecting to enhance communication and get the job done.
Here are five practices that, as a veteran career coach myself, I’ve seen my clients apply to their work with great success. They will help you draw upon your intelligence, attune better to others and bring your best self to work.
Use listening skills to understand and connect with others
How often have you been uncomfortable because someone approached you with negative information or criticism? This happens frequently in an environment lacking trust.
When a coworker complains behind your back before a big meeting, the amygdala portion of the brain reacts first, feeling fear or sensing danger, and cortisone is produced to prepare for a crisis or emergency. In this state, you cannot do your best thinking, and you might overreact to the situation. This creates a vicious cycle where you can’t relax, trust the other person and discuss the situation calmly enough to agree on solutions.
Don’t make assumptions; Instead, ask your coworkers for their perspectives. The key to turning a negative situation around is asking questions versus giving advice or opinions or trying to convince others of what needs to be done. Listening to answers and using input is also vital, so you can explore feelings and implications. These are critical steps in creating trust.
Glaser uses the term “we-centric,” which means nurturing a mindset and behavior that consider more than the self in communication and problem solving. It is worth the time investment to consciously create a healthy environment where people are more engaged in their work and problems can be solved with teamwork.
Develop curiosity as a tool for a vision of shared success
The chemistry of interactions is an important part of your ability to undertake creative projects with others. If you feel included and there is a sense of trust, you release positive hormones such as oxytocin, and this results in a more open exploration of options. Curiosity helps you ask questions that will draw others into the conversation.
Maybe you and your coworkers aren’t on the same page regarding future work plans. Using curiosity in your interactions will increase your empathy and help you learn what’s important to others. If you truly understand and share how you each view success, you’ll have a greater chance of gaining clarity and getting buy-in to co-create a more desirable future. Some helpful (curious) questions to ask coworkers:
- What do you see as our biggest priority?
- Where do you see our business in two years?
- How do you feel we’re doing with our current products and services?
Be transparent and regulate your emotions in the moment
As you listen, connect with others and create shared meaning, it is important to openly describe your thoughts, feelings and desires. Asking questions helps you learn about others, but, for optimal sharing, you need a mutual exchange of information that goes deeper than just the facts. This is why transparency is important. In order to be transparent, you must first understand your internal views, challenge your assumptions and be willing to share your perspective. Sometimes, this involves overcoming fears about expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Say you are troubled because you didn’t get credit for a great idea but no one is aware of your concerns. One way you can overcome fears about expressing your disappointment is to ask a trusted coworker to help you practice a conversation in a more private setting before you bring it up in the larger group. My coaching clients have found this type of peer coaching useful as they practice new behaviors.
When you find yourself upset, angry or resentful during a conversation, the following steps will help you regulate your emotions in real time:
- Reset: Pause and take deep breaths.
- Reframe: Consider different ways of viewing the situation.
- Refocus: Ask yourself, “What can I do differently?”
- Redirect: Ask yourself and the other person, “How can we move forward?”
Studies show that conversations create space between people, and if that space feels conflictual, people will not be willing to enter it. When you reframe, you allow yourself to step back and invite the other person into a more welcoming space where you can change the context and create new meaning together.
Double-Click
One of my favorite tools from Glaser’s writings is the concept of the “double-click” — a method of gaining a deeper understanding while collaborating that invokes the image of opening a computer folder. If we double-click, we find folders or documents inside that will give us more information.
Similarly, when you’re in the middle of a conversation, you can use this as a tool to go to a deeper level or to ask others to explain their understanding or beliefs. Say your manager suggests you improve your customer service. You could double-click by asking, “What would you be seeing if I were doing it just right?”
You can also double-click on your own beliefs and understanding of a situation. You may be making assumptions, and if you go deeper you can question yourself to reframe for a more positive outlook. If you believe you’re not capable of a task, like meeting facilitation, you can double-click by asking why and considering how you might bring yourself up to speed. Perhaps taking a course will serve to improve your skills and increase your confidence.
Avoid Climbing the “Ladder of Conclusions”
When you have disagreements with others, you can feel frustrated, angry and sometimes intimidated. This can lead you to draw conclusions based on your own reactions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs. At this point, you have climbed the “ladder of conclusions.” The idea is simple: when you’re up in the clouds, it’s not that easy to climb back down the ladder.
All participants in this situation have created stories to rationalize their positions. Sharing these stories with each other can help you gain a mutual understanding and determine how to move forward.
When you want to have an important conversation, invite the other person to join you in a dialog for the purpose of strengthening your work relationship. This will set the stage for a constructive sharing of thoughts and feelings. During the conversation, ask, “How does this impact you?” and explore potential ripple effects on the team. Finally, discuss how you can do things differently in the future and set up a follow-up time to make sure you’ve achieved the agreed-upon outcome.
Glaser’s research stresses the importance of developing skills so that you can fully participate in co-creating your future work success. It is empowering to join with your coworkers in nurturing an environment where transformational conversations can take place.
My coaching clients find these practices useful for increasing openness and curiosity among team members and improving relationships overall. They also report a greater ability to focus on the purpose of their work while at the same time finding more enjoyment in their day-to-day interactions — outcomes that would benefit us all.